Music is a glorious medium of communication that can be understood much easier than the spoken or written word. It has a way of entering the heart and soothingly convincing even the most calloused souls to embrace it and to feel something change inside of them.
I feel extraordinarily blessed that music has been an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember, thanks to my musical parents and siblings who have been blessed with incredible talent. Primary songs, Raffi, nursery rhymes, and oldies such as "Moon River" and "You Are My Sunshine" created a mosaic of music that touched my childhood heart and will forever have a special place in my old, weathered treasure chest of memories. Later on, my brother's beautiful hymnal arrangements would weave themselves into my life and my being as my sisters and I sang them together for sacrament meetings, firesides, and around the intimate setting of our childhood piano. Music has continuously enriched, enlivened, and empowered my life, and I am forever grateful to everyone who helped infuse a love of this incredible art form into my young and impressionable mind.
A few Sundays ago, I sang one of my favorite versions of "I Stand all Amazed" (by Michael R. Hicks) in Sacrament Meeting. I had practiced meticulously for weeks, until I felt that my voice was strong and clear even on the "high notes" (which would not be high for the average singer, but I am undeniably an alto and quite incapable of singing moderately high musical pieces). I wanted to execute the song perfectly so that I could effectively convey the message and hopefully touch someone's heart.
But even the most well-intentioned musical plans can be completely destroyed when you throw emotion into the mix. You know the "ugly cry" face that happens when you completely lose your composure? Well, there is also an "ugly cry" voice. Emotion can make the voice crack, shudder, and squeak on high notes. And once you lose your composure as a singer, you can forget about getting it back (except for one woman I know who defies this rule. Her name is Heidi, and she has always had the superhuman ability to sing like an angel, even when tears are literally pouring down her face). I had only begun to sing the second verse when I felt the dreaded "ugly cry" voice coming on.
I tried with all my might to block the emotion, but my voice started to wobble as I sang the words:
"I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine".
Memories of past mistakes and the absolutely indescribable feeling of being swallowed up in the Savior's merciful forgiveness came to mind. How could I sing such beautiful words without feeling them in my soul?
And then, these words from the last verse put me over the edge:
"I think of His hands, pierced and bleeding to pay the debt.
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?"
With a trembling voice, I barely sang the notes on-key. I started to feel panic as I realized that I was no longer in control of my vocal chords. Somehow I managed to regain some semblance of composure as I sang the last few lines with conviction:
"No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at His feet.
Oh, it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me".
As I sat back down on the bench, I felt defeated. I felt like I had not been able to convey the message of the song because I did not sing it perfectly. Kevin was very sweet and told me that I had done a good job, but I was not convinced, and I was disappointed in myself. I had failed.
But the next day, Kevin told me that a neighbor had said that the song was "moving". I have never heard more beautiful words. I realized at that moment that although my performance was greatly flawed, the spirit had been there to cover up my mistakes and carry the pure meaning of the song into the hearts of those who were listening. I cried over that simple compliment, and I thanked God for music. Because even though imperfect vessels are used to play it or sing it, when the spirit is there, the message of the music is perfect.
So, if you tend to beat yourself up over an imperfect performance like I do, do not underestimate the ability of the spirit to cover up all mistakes when you sing with your heart. Music is powerful like that, which is one reason why I love it.
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